I recently read an article about reasons people are leaving church. My father was a vicar and the church was adjacent to our garden. He spent hours with parishioners after church, talking and praying with them. I loved this about him, but as I grew older I began to fear for him.

I started to feel a general misgiving about and mistrust of ‘churchianity’. Things started to feel manipulative. ‘Friendship evangelism’ felt fake and more akin to marketing strategies in an unethical human resources office than amongst the people of God. Then there was my Dad. To me, ‘church’ was the faceless institution that took the best of my father, bled him of his love and energy and then pulled him apart at PCC meetings and made him cry. But Dad remained loyal to The Church. He still loves it and serves it and believes in it with a passion I cannot fault or explain.

I never projected any of my feelings onto God, nor can I ever remember being angry with Him- only people who called themselves church goers. I used to feel sorry for God, having such rubbish adverts.

This unhealthy scepticism manifested itself most strongly soon after I was married. I found myself in another church tradition and for the first time was able to observe from the outside. I saw faithful servants in this church running themselves ragged, whilst other ‘passengers’ hopped on and off as they chose. The ministers were excellent, but never thanked, the children’s workers should have been afforded hero-status, but were not recognised. Silent, sweet-hearted people were busy in the wings and no-one saw. We received a wonderful welcome but I was immediately suspicious. They rubbed their hands with way too much glee when they found out what we could DO. It all felt sadly too familiar. Too mercenary at times.

When I wasn’t accepted as a member due to being from a different church, something in me snapped. I felt angry but voiceless. Talking about this to a very gracious friend, I was open-mouthed when he warned me that I was becoming hard-hearted and critical. It was something I had never associated with myself at all. I had always been told I was like my wonderful Dad. But I began to realise the awful truth. I was struggling to find my place in the body of Christ and I had come to resent others who felt at home where I did not. I even looked down on them, pitying their servant nature and feeling superior because I was not a ‘doormat’. Shame on me.

I pleaded with God about this situation, asking Him to give us permission to leave the church immediately and go somewhere else. Instead, He slowly gave us the conviction to stay- which we did for another 4 years. Through a number of sermons, prayerful friends and visits to other churches, I realised some important things:

1. Jesus said “I will build my church and the gates of Hell will not stand against it.” He wasn’t messing about there. The church is His idea but it is under attack from the inside as well as the outside. But these attacks will not prevail.

2. The church is the bride of Christ. Just like a bride, it is taking centuries to get ready for the big day! In many places, the bride of the church isn’t even sure which dress she is wearing i.e. what she should look like. But unlike other brides, the bride of Christ is being prepared by her husband. When she fully realises this, she will indeed be beautiful.

3. All churches are fundamentally flawed. They are run by normal people with hurts and fears, passions and joys. They have their good bits and their bad bits. No church is perfect.

4. Unbridled criticism of the church is tantamount to calling Christ’s wife a whore. Realising that is sobering and humbling.

5. I am just as sinful as those I was critical of.

I am firmly committed to staying within ‘The Church’. We have spent the last 5 years in another church where we have been deeply loved and accepted and have learnt new skills. We are soon due to move house and start afresh in a new city. We chose our church first and then a house nearby. I want to give of myself in our new church in a godly and whole-hearted way. I know I need the family of God around me to hold me accountable and to draw me back to God’s word. Out on a limb is a dangerous place for a Christian. Especially one as prone to extremism as me.