When you are hurt or in trouble, who do you make your 999 call to? I used to have quite a long list of possibilities.
Nowadays it’s much shorter.
In fact it’s not a list at all.

This past year I have changed my personal ’emergency policy.’ It didn’t shift overnight, but it has certainly happened slowly and deliberately. I have gone from being someone who, when in distress, rang people to ask for advice, sympathy, shared indignation and support, to someone who rings no-one.

I now go straight to Father God; I pour it all out, literally hiding myself in Him. He’s become my first, not my third or fourth port of call. Occasionally, after that, I find I need to tell my husband something or perhaps a close friend, but I rarely need to ‘talk it through’ in any great detail. On the whole, you see, its dealt with.

I find such relief and solace in my Father’s company, and of course also deeply comforting and challenging wisdom. The Bible teaches us that He is our ‘portion,’ (Psalm 73:26) I love that word. It’s one that holds the key to every diet in the world. Your portion is an amount plated up just for you, no-one else. A correct portion is the right size and nutritional value and is ready when you’re hungry. If your portion is sufficient, you won’t need anything else to eat. If it’s too little, you won’t be satisfied; too much and it’ll be unhealthy.

I can remember hearing a song a few years ago where a girl with a beautiful voice sang to Jesus, ‘You are all I need’. I worried for her at the time. I felt sure she was missing out on true friendship if this was her genuine experience. “Don’t we need friends too?” I wondered. Now I ‘get’ a bit of her journey. I write similar songs myself. No man, or woman is an island, but I’m learning that if Father is my portion FIRST, then other people get a ‘well-fed’, not an emaciated, desperately clawing me. When you’re starving, you’ll eat anything, even things that are bad for you. As CS Lewis put it, ‘Spiritual nature like bodily nature will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison.’

This is not to decry friendship. Like anyone, I need closeness and intimacy with people too. (And I do sometimes find it for a season, as Father allows.) But this past few years of life-changing lonliness have been absolutely intentional on God’s part. He has wanted me to get to the stage of reliance on Him alone, not others.

He is the only number I have in my ‘spiritual speed dial’ now. And it has made a huge difference – not just to my phone bill! It has allowed me to realise that HE is responsible for me. I belong to Him. I am accountable to Him. Understanding that and truly beginning to live in that truth, frees me not to have unrealistic expectations of others. I don’t need someone else to ‘know’ my stuff to make it make sense to me any more or to validate my experience.

Maybe you feel I’m missing out and I just haven’t got the right friends! But I reckon I’m just learning how to eat what Father has plated up for me right now.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not WANT….” as the best book says.

Next time you’re struggling, reach out to Him first and see what happens. You might find the truth, like me, that He wants to be your ‘portion’ too.