I am not a big one for health spas and the like. Jon and I once stayed in one posing as journalists. (Long story.) We spent two days surrounded by people who seemed to enjoy wearing second-hand dressing-gowns and eating food that would not have filled an anorexic rodent. But it did look very pretty – on the most massive plates imaginable.

Jon had a complimentary facial whilst there. He described it thus. He (clad in aforementioned dressing gown) arrives in the salon area and is asked to ‘come through.’

There are sickly smelling candles lit, the lights are dimmed and whale music is playing in the background. (You know the kind that is just Blue whales talking to each other with the occasional rush of water and a bit of plinky-plonky stuff on a cheap keyboard stuck on strings setting? That)

A slip of a girl, no older than 6, comes in (well, she is probably 18, but she looks and sounds like she should be in Year 1)

“Hello Mr Hancock. (High pitched Essex voice) I’m Shannelle. I see they’ve given you the complimentary facial?” (Voice goes up at the end to suggest surprise, or just beautician patter?) “It’s a wheat-based product which is left on the skin for some time. Lie here please.”

Jon is then given a mask to protect the ‘delicate area around the eyes.’ Whilst lying down he is asked if he is allergic to anything.

‘Er”¦ Cats,” says Jon.

“There are no cats or cat-based products in this facial Mr Hancock.” (Without a flicker of amusement.) ” Like I said. It’s totally organic and wheat-based.”

“Yes. Good,” says Jon, aware that his attempt at humour is falling on very deaf HND ears. Shanelle may be 12 but she takes her job very seriously.

Jon is then aware of a mixing, gloopy sound and a strong smell of porridge.
Shanelle then places the facial mixture on his face. It is indeed wheat-based and very warm. Perhaps it is, in fact, porridge?

Jon then nearly jumps out of his skin as Shanelle leans very close to him and whispers in his ear that she will leave him to ‘cook for a bit.’

Like my husband, I can find these kinds of treatments rather more than pointless. I have to go to a beautician fairly regularly to have my legs waxed. (I am one of those rather unfortunate women whose body grows hair at an alarming rate. Years of hard-core leg waxing and eyebrow plucking has tamed the worst of it, praise the good Lord. I regularly thank Jesus He didn’t make me a Victorian – other wise I may have had an alternative career in a freak show.)

But, I never go to a beautician for beauty purposes. Massages, facials, pedicures are all very well. But they are very pricy and the effects don’t last very long. Sorry Shanelle.

We live in a western world that teaches us that beauty is tall, hourglass figures, flawless skin, shiny hair and glisteningly white teeth. So what about those of us who are short, top heavy, pock marked, split-ended and sport rather stained canines? Is there hope for us?

Well of course. God does not dwell on what we dwell on. He sees the heart of the matter and your heart, for that matter.
He knows how you feel about yourself. Whether you hide your arms, your bald patch, your tummy or your thighs. He loves you anyway.

I have a theory about Jesus. It is this. Jesus was not blue eyed, with long brown hair and a skinny “here are my ribs” kind of frame.
I think he was strong, manly, possibly even a little tubby? (He went to a lot of parties.) The Bible is clear that He had nothing to recommend him physically. He wasn’t described as handsome like Saul or Absolom. He was NORMAL looking. But He had a supernatural authority and a wonderful divinity. Fully God.

I like thinking of Jesus like this. He is not a supermodel ‘facial-every- other-day’ exfoliating Jesus. He is a carpenter, rough handed, overweight, strong and ‘twinkle-in-his-eye’ kind of Jesus.

Much more cuddly. Much more fun. Much less likely to place wheat-based products on his face. Much more GODLY.

Bagsy being like that too.
I think that is much more healthy.