For months now it has almost felt as though life has stopped. It has been hard for me to blog as there has been little that has truly captured my imagination, little I have felt worth sharing. I have felt numb, apathetic and distant from myself and from others. Lets be honest, I have been totally miserable.

Last week I turned 40. I didn’t want to be a cliche, but I still found myself truly questioning what I have achieved at such a milestone age. I confess that in most areas I am not where I want to be, who I want to be or doing what I want to be doing.

But I am kind of past being frustrated about that now. I have come to a place of acceptance. That seems to be the only and best solution. This is where I have found myself. And so I had better deal with it.

So I have had to ask myself some big questions. Firstly: Is what I am going through the path that God is leading me on or have I somehow “misssed His way” for me?

I answer that in the affirmative. Whilst I do not understand this season I am in and it certainly hasn’t been a pleasant one, I cannot deny that God is ahead of me. He has taken me into this wilderness and only He can get me out. It appears He simply does not want to – not yet anyway.

In many cases in the Bible the wilderness or desert is not a time of barren-ness but a time of preparation. It is not a time of isolation from God but a time of consolation. It is not a time of answers but a time of discovering the right questions.

I can only assume that my time here is not yet done, that I haven’t yet grasped all that God has for me. The winds of change have died down and all is still.

For many people I have spoken to about their own journey through life change the most common thread is self doubt. Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Am I hearing God right? Why am I unpeaceful?

Sometimes we are meant to be somewhere where the only thing we know is that He knows.

That’s where I am at. It is not a place of joy, peace or fun. But it is a place of relief.