At certain times in my life I have been aware of carrying two competing emotions: grief and relief. When I think back, I can spot these ‘head and tails’ sides of my emotional coin at play together. The birth of my first child was such a time. I grieved not being pregnant any more (I was far from sure I would ever be blessed with another miracle baby.) But I also felt relief that I was no longer the weight of a elephant needing urgent gastric band treatment.

The day my Grandpa died I felt huge grief. He was a 93 year old spiritual giant in my eyes, a man who devoted his life to loving my mother and Grandmother, and in making sure that another treasure in his life, the Bible, was put into every hotel bedroom possible through the beloved Gideons. I also felt a sense of relief that day that he was now safe forever in the arms of his loving Heavenly Father.

Grief and relief often come together in my world.
And so it was this morning. I woke up crying… and yet happy. A kind of rainbow of sunshine and showers, if you will.
This is my last ever day with my boys before they go to school. Tomorrow I face a double whammy of loss as Ben and Tom graduate into the big wide world. I have tried hard to give them all they need to face school with excitement and confidence. Part of me is very ready to let them go… and yet, I recognised that familiar dichotomy of emotions again.
I am at once relieved that they are old enough to go to school and grieving that they will leave the safety and care of my four walls.

As I tried to name these feelings to Father when I woke, I felt such a peace come over me. His grace is sufficient. I will choose to give thanks in every circumstance and consider it pure joy tomorrow. My loss is a Reception teacher’s gain.

I have every faith that my boys will be talked about at dinner parties, cinema outings and over staffroom coffee tables. They are far from perfect, but they are incredibly memorable.

I am grateful today that God entrusted me with their care and I am willing to share that care now with others. As I was just finishing writing this blog, the school secretary rang me to confirm that they will be in the same class as I have prayed all summer. To quote one of Ben and Tom’s favourite songs:
“Our God is a great big God and He holds us in His hands.”